The Great Power in Life

Yei I am experiencing the very good moments with my working group, and we all feel the sueccess. I had no idea I could have this much energy in me! I get tired but I don't give a shit!
This is the first time that I don't have any time to waste! The only time being wasted are when I am asleep!
I guess this was the door of happiness which was opened for me, I might have not seen it since I was sitting and looking at the closed door.
Thank you the Great Power in Life - which some call you God.

It's Raining...

It's raining and I so much like to write. I'm listening to the new album of Evanescence, it's called Anywhere But Home.
Every first rain of the year I get a call from my old friend, a friend from more than ten years ago, I guess the first rain reminds him of me, and everytime I tell him I knew he was gonna call.
The weather makes me feel like I wanna go out of my body, just like my cousin when she is asleep. She lives in another world every night she sleeps. She wishes she wouldn't get up ever in the mornings! She has a notebook in which she writes her everyday dreams, there is a similarity in them all. In all of them she is flying, and she can see everything from the above, most of her dreams are in their own house. And when she wakes up she remembers the events in detail. I love reading her diaries. I too had a few similar dreams before, flying on top of my room. I just remember it felt great, but don't remember them in detail.
There are so many strange people living around us and I guess this cousin of mine is one of them.
I sometimes wanna die and see what happens to me. Is it true that our ghosts remain? That we will see everything from above? Just like my cousin sees in her dreams? Or everything ends just like the body does? Do ghosts live forever? Is there any other life? ...there must be...it's a big world, this big earth we are living in is only a tiny part of the world...I wanna know more...I wish I could.
Why some people know about the future? Like my mom! She sometimes sees the future in her dreams, how can this happen? Does she go to the future and see it and remember them, or does anyone tell her to see that...or...God! So many possibilities and at the same time all of them unbeliavable!! Lots of mysteries!
Still it's raining...still she is singing...still I wanna write...
...
Soon the rain will stop, and she will be done with her music, and I will go back to my real life...

Getting Rich

Ever thought what you would do with your money if you were very rich? I mean very rich! These last weeks have been the busiest days of my life, it's very pleasant having a plan and trying to reach to it, even if it keeps you very busy.

And the best part is when you know you can do it. Not that you TRY to do it; but you CAN do it, there is a whole difference between these two. And for me...I have planned reaching it in one year; one year hard working.

I have been also learning a lot during this project, I've been working a lot on my thoughts, on my beliefs, on other's ways of looking to the world, I've been trying to help myself, to help the others, and to see everyone as they are all on my side.

I see everything different now, I am so excited, I am full of energy even when I am so tired. I needed this change, I needed something big to happen, I have always loved to do some stuff but didn't find any time. Now I have time for everything, time to read, time to follow my needs, time to start playing guitar, to start learning another language, to start thinking of my future...

It's just great!

Take My Hand

Touch my skin and tell me what your thinking,
take my hand and show me where we're going
Lie down next to me,
look into my eyes and tell me,
oh tell me what you're seeing

So sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling,
what you feel now is what I feel for you
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you,
I'll always be alone, if I'm lying to you

See my eyes, they carry your reflection,
watch my lips and hear the words I'm telling you
Give your trust to me and look into my heart and show me,
show me what you're doing

So sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling,
what you feel is what I feel for you
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you,
I'll always be alone, if I'm lying to you

Take your time, if I'm lying to you,
I know you'll find that you believe me, you believe me
Feel the sun on your face and tell me what you're thinking
Catch the snow on your tongue and show me how it tastes
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you, I'll always be alone,
if I'm lying to you
Take your time and if I'm lying to you,
I know you'll find that you believe me, you believe me

Dido

How the Human Mind Reacts

A few dyas ago I funod an atrilce in one of the wpbegas rageindrg how the hamun mnid racates wehn radenig a txet. Accrdonig to the rescreah the mnid tekas a snpahsot form ecah wrod and then fndis a smialir wrod mctahing to the ptcirue. It deosn't meattr how ceocrrt the wrod is, the mnid can fnid it out as lnog as it lkoos smiliar to the cohesn wrod. As the rselut shoews, as lnog as we keep the frsit and lsat ltteer of the wrod in the atcaul pclae, the mnid can raed the stnecnee! Jsut lkie waht you are dniog rhgit now!
Ietnsernitg huh?


Knowing above, I wonder why we have to take dictation courses at school! We can make schools easier for the kids ;)

Days of Our Lives

...they pass so fast, the days of our lives. It's been almost one year now since she's left us. It's going to be her first ceremony in less than one month...

Doesn't days in our twenties pass faster than ever? I remember when I was in primary school I used to pray for the New Years and Summers to come so that we can go to Astara for the holidays. And it would always take them forever to come! I loved going to Astara, seeing Shabnam and Nastaran was my sweetest dream, I loved playing with them, I even loved fighting with them! Oh yeah we had fights almost everyday! Specially with Shabnam! for the cheatings we used to have when playing cards; ...I wish it was still those days. I would die for those days to come back...

We grew up together, the three of us, just like sisters. We loved wearing same color dresses and shoes, we loved being seen everywhere together, singing and dancing together, running in the back yard and throwing snow to each other.

We used to write letters to each other and I have gathered them all, sometimes I go back to them and read them, it brings back the old memories. Funny handwritings and funny subjects! I guess I have about 100 letters from each of them! It became less and less as we grew up...and then they both moved to Tehran for their university courses. The best thing that could happen to us:)

We have this one picture from our early ages, around 3-4 years old I guess, Nastaran in the middle, me on the right and Shabnam on the left, and as we grow up we took similar pictures with the same situation of standing! The only difference in pictures was that we got bigger and bigger in them...

We promissed ourselves to always be like sisters. I remember when I gave my diary book to Nastaran she wrote a very short story in it, which when I read it I couldn't control not crying!

Here is the story she wrote in my notebook:

I am sitting in my living room, I can hardly walk now, I see my diary book in the book shelf, I reach it, I open it, I can see some writings from my old pals. The first page is from Mahsa, yeah she is a grandma now, two grandchildren I've known of by now. The next is from Sali, we still see each other from time to time...the other is from Nastaran, where is she now? it's been years we haven't have any news from each other, I better give her a call...
I find her number from my phone book, I call her...

- Hello? May I speak to Nastaran please?
- Nastaran? Oh, I'm sorry... God bless her...

Negin's diary
8 Nov 2046


...for us, this would have never happened, we would have always stayed together like sisters, like friends, forever...
...only if God would have let us...God took Shabnam away from us...she left us with a deep sorrow...

The last picture we took, all the three of us standing, was on Nastaran's wedding day, Shabnam couldn't make it for more pictures...

God bless her.

Telepathy

Early in the morning I was deep asleep dreaming, in my dreams I was talking to him, usually I don't dream of him. I don't remember what subject we were talking about, when suddenly my mobile rang, and it was him!! I don't know why he called me that early and what he wanted to say, the line got disconnected and none of us called again, but what I know is that my mobile's alarm was supposed to wake me up at 6:10 which did not, and his call was at 6:15!!! and if I didn't have that call I would've been late for work!! I donno maybe he was also talking to me in his dreams! weird.

Anyways, I believe some people have telepathy with each other, I also have this kind of communication with Vida, and it's kind of weird when it happens, you feel there is some very strong energy in this world that you wanna find out about it, and you can't, but still it gives lots of energy to you by the time it happens...knowing the world is not just some materials. There is something high above all of that. Something extraordinary...

Last night I had some guests, my cousin and her husband and some of my new friends, it also was my brother's wedding anniversary, we drank to them :)
Actually it was supposed to be just a business meeting, but after dinner it became more like confessing to my parents about each of our's stupid stories of the past! It was fun.

Business Woman

I worked in private company of Datak Satellite Provider as a programmer for two years. Actually it was my first job after I gradutated and I really loved my job, I enjoyed programming with Delphi and Oracle, it was a field of inventing; programming gave me the feeling of having my work under my own hand and my own inventions, giving me a great power knowing my software is being used in another company by it's employees. It was also fun with Elham and all my other colleagues, we were quit a family there :)

For my own benefits I had to leave that company, so I started working in foreign company of Airline's Telecommunication & International Services as a network controller; has been here for more than two years now. But in spite of all the good benefits of this company, the job doesn't satisfy me, not at all the way programming used to fill me with energy. But since this work doesn't take all my time and still leaves some spare time for me, I decided to do a part time job if I find any.

By chance, it was offered to me a few days ago, and I accepted it with open arms. I gathered a lot of information on the working branch and finally I found it very exciting. It's strange the way I am back to my old time energy of working, I feel I want to do my best in my work and be the most succesful ever! And I feel I have the power to do so, and I feel I will! And I will!

Like the book I am reading, My Life by Bill Clinton, I have listed my aims, and i have given them dead line, will reach them for sure. It's great living trying to reach your aims. It gives much strength and brings happiness.

Let Her Life Go On

Here I am, sitting, trying not to think about what I have decided to forget. Trying to live, to forgive, trying to kill the flashbacks, to mute the sounds, to ignore the scenes...

Before, I thought people can forget if they want to, but seems it's not like that at all. We don't forget, we just get used to not think about it, and it can all come back into our minds with a single fillip, with either a music, a smell, a certain place or at certain times - days,hours or minutes.

Actually it's the best God could've given to us, the ability to forget, or it's better put this way: the ability of not thinking about what's gone. Otherwise we would not survive; if case of loosing someone, death or...


I am doing my best to let go, but... would he let me do that? Would he stop sending messages? Would he stop sending emails? Would he leave me alone with my own problems? Would he understand? is he this selfish? this cruel?

Does he think it was easy for me all these time? Does he think it is easy now? Does he think I am a statue?! without a sense, without a herat? Does he think everybody is like himself? cruel?

Someone please tell him if you made your choice, if we decided to end this, we should try doing it. Life is not a game, not at this age, it's more serious than what we used to think of it at our younger ages.

We should fight for things we want to get; which I don't think he did at all; If we think it's not the right thing, it's not the right road, then we should change our direction. We should find it somewhere else, in someone else; Yes it is hard, we have only one heart, I know, I know better than anyone, I have suffered more than anyone, it's the worst thing that can happen in anybody's life, that's why we have to be careful at the very begining, but if we made a mistake, then we have to suffer, no other choice we have; then such days will come, days of feeling loneliness, days of sorrow, days of sadness.

There must be someone else in this world who understands me, who loves me as I am, who believes in me. A certain time is enough to make the other person believe in you, if it didn't work then there is a problem. A very big problem. Relationship is not a force. Love is not swearing, love is not teasing, love is not threatening, love is none of above, that's why he is no longer having a place in my life, not even as an old friend. He was not my friend, even very far friends, the ones he used to call NOT FRIENDS don't ever do that.

He doesn't get it, I wish he did. I wish he was the one I thought he is. I wish he was a man, I wish he knew what he wants, I wish he had a courage to follow his needs, his heart.

I wish he was stable, stable on his beliefs, stable on what he gained through all these months, stable on his wishes.

I wish he could at least understand me, me whom he used to call a friend, I wish he could understand me instead of forcing me his ideas, forcing me to believe that other people are bad, that they don't want the best for me. I wish he wasn't this picky, he has no idea how much he hurt me.

I have lost a friend whom I thought was the best friend; but I was wrong; he was not a friend, not an epsilon. He was my enemy...maybe he was from the first begining.

they say:
The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

I don't want to be wise in this case!

Lie

You can lie to all people, some of the time;
You can even lie to some of people, all the time;
But you can't lie to all people, all the time!

Marketing

Finally I was there, she and her husband had just arrived home when I reached their house. They had another guest as well. I was so eager to know what's going on...

The speach started after the coffee...a kind of part time job, marketing for a foreign company. Why not! I already have a job which fortunately leaves me much time for myself, and I need to cover my spare time somehow, what's better than sharing the time I've got with my friends knowing it might bring me a bunch of money! just maybe ;) or maybe not:D

It will cost me a bit at first, but worth it, it's a risk, everything is a risk. I can recall it a game, but if I take it seriously it might end up somewhere.

I will get to know people, I will be my own boss, I will make friends, I will get the idea how other people think, how they look at life and how they fight for their lives; this will all be done in the group gatherings which are at least twice a week. There will be alot I will learn from it, even if it doesn't bring me any money at all.

Enigma

I was on my way to the office when my mobile rang, the voice on the other side was asking me if I know who she is. The more I payed attension the more wondered I became!

- Is it Shabnam?!! It can't be her, what a silly guessing!! She is
not a..l...i...v...e !!

It was soooo like her voice!!! No wonder why,cause it was her closest friend Gilda! Friends become like each other, even their voice or their way of talking! It's true.

My voice is like Mahnaz's, even our parents sometimes make mistake! Once I left a message on their answering machine instead of her! Saying: "Mom, I'm going out for dinner and will come home late!" and she was beside me just laughing! And her parents didn't notice it was me!

This Gilda asked me to meet her at their apartment if I am not busy tonight, she didn't say why, she just said it's about some work...and she'll describe it later, leaving me with a big question mark! It's still an enigma and I can't wait till tonight...what can it be? Why did she call ME? We haven't had any news from each other since Shabnam's...

I'll find out in about two hours...