Not Fair

Last night I was thinking of my cousin Shabnam, she passed away in her 28s...cancer...a very bad one. God, if a person shall die, let her/him die fast and with no pain. She suffered lots of pain, out of anyones imagination. We could only watch her suffering and couldn't do anything. After 8 months of pain I even asked her doctor if he can do anything to set her free! I couldn't see her like that. They said it's not allowed even if they know there is no hope. A very beautiful girl was turning to a weak thin person...in the middle of her success, she was just graduating, had just started a good job...had just found someone to love...why her?! why exatly in the begining of her success? why like that?
One thing that was so painful for us, was that she had so much hope, or maybe she pretended she has! She never gave up, we only saw her crying sometimes and she used to complain about the pain! Never said she is tired, never said she wants to die sooner, all she was saying was that she doesn't know how ever she's gonna thank the ones who take care of her and heal her! Meaning she thought she would be on her feet some day...but that day never came.
Sometimes I wish I talked to her more...to know how she thinks when she was in bed 24 hours. But I didn't dare. I just wanted to make her happy, tell her jokes and make her laugh in last months of her life. Couldn't talk about the big sorrow, I just had to pretent that she would be all right.
Did she really knew she was gonna die?
I watched when they were washing her body...her white hands that I used to touch, her lips that used to have a smile on, her body was damaged; opperations, weakness, laying on bed for months had it's affects on her beautiful body, no sign of her beautiful long black hair...that used to make her even more beautiful...
It's hard loosing somebody we love. It's even harder watching them in pain.

Only Once

We only live once in this short lifetime of ours, so why not do what we like? Why ignore some of our needs just because they might be wrong? Why be wise?!!!!!
I want to do whatever pleases me, I want to do everything I like. I want to follow my heart.
Actually this is how I have been all my life. Some say it's better to concentrate on one thing, one goal, and not think of anything else, and go for it till you reach to the end of that, no matter what. But I am not like that! I do whatever pleases me in that certain time. My goal is to live happy NOW, to enjoy NOW.

For example, incase of learning stuff, I have tried learning lots of things: sking, tennis, rollerblading, swimming...organ, classic guitar, electric guitar...and still like trying horse riding, diving, kite...painting...and some day I will, even if in my 60's! -well not for horse riding :)) -

When doing each, I put all my energy on it, and that's why I love them all! I am not expert in any of them, but I know them all, I never gave up on any of them, just started something new, it' good to know how each of them feels like, I may try them again some day, whenever I'm in the mood for it, so why doing just one? Why not giving the chance for enjoying more things?

Actually I like the second theory as well, getting expert on one sport, or one instrument...but I like to experience more...the feeling refreshes me, the feeling of awaking the part of my soul which hasn't been used yet! Experiencing new excitements. That's how I am.

I may die today, so why wait to see what tomorrow brings? I follow my heart. People say use your experience, and forget what you want, experience says this, experience says that...but what about me? Isn't it my life? Why should I live my life upon the other's experiences? or even upon my past? If I repeat my past more than once, would it end the same?

It's my life, and I decide for it.

Questions of a Broken Heart

Shall we follow our heart and forget what has happened before? forget that it was broken once? or shall we think and make decisions upon analyzing the past? even if we have to give up on our heart?

Can we forget the piece of our heart which have been given to someone? and can we give another piece of it to anotherone? wouldn't those two pieces conflict ever? or shall we try to glue the first piece no matter what? knowing the feeling was perfect?

What if we can't give our heart to anybody else? is it still better to give the first piece away?

What if the broken peice breaks again? does it worth trying? which one would hurt more? trying to forget the broken piece? or letting it break again -in case it does- by giving another chance to it?

Do feeling ever lie to us? if we think some feeling is extraordinary, does it mean that it really is? and it will be forever?

Should we give THIRD chance to a relationship? incase of knowing the previous situation was the main reason for the whole misunderstandings?

Magic of Mind

Believe in magic of mind? That if you believe in something and want it badly, it would happen? Even if it seems impossible? I do believe it. I believe we can do anything if we want to.
It has some steps thought to reach the final goal, that's why it takes time.

Step 1: Believing it 100%, no dout in it and no buts.
Step 2: Making this belief a vision.
Step 3: Making this vision a goal.
Step 4: Trying to reach the goal.

Easy huh? it seems easy, try it, it is sooo very hard, but possible. Don't worry you won't lose if you follow the rules step by step. And remember this:

The loser says: It's possible, BUT HARD.
The winner says: It's hard, BUT POSSIBLE.

And also it's good to know that, to do something you haven't ever done, you have to become a person you haven't ever been.

How Iran Looks Like

Some of my weblog readers asked for some pictures of the place I live in, I think this link would help you get the idea of the place.
Check Iran.
I found some funny stuff in the impressions, actually it is true, you can easily find these kinds of things even in 3* hotels in all over the country! You can also see lots of old cars, old buildings, women in chadors (the long black ugly thing that covers the body) , ugly men with moustache and beard...what a pitty! it's not very nice saying these things, but it's true. But these are mostly seen in the south of Tehran and almost in every other cities of Iran. But still you can find some other good looking people around, there are also modern lives and modern cars, and you would NEVER find these healthy and good looking people shown on the TV! Any idea why?!

Already Miss My Parents

I cried a bit after they left home in the morning. Though I know they won't be gone too long, still I feel like missing them already. We've bought a house in the north of Iran and I guess they would go there a lot from now on, they have built another place for living but in a good weather exactly near the sea, and since they are getting old they need some place quite and far from the crowd, meaning I have to accept the fact that I have to live alone every once in awhile.

There was a time I loved to live alone, I loved to experience independency, organizing my own living, cooking, grocery shopping and stuff...but now I prefer doing them all without being alone. I prefer coming back home knowing someone is waiting, knowing it's not empty and the TV is on and there is someone I can say HI to!

The more I think the more I believe in this: I need to fall in love! It's the time, finally the time has come, I need to have someone, I feel like I need to live with someone. And I need that someone to be my man.

Big Big Girl

I have always liked this song:

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But i do do feel that
I too too will miss you much
Miss you much...

I can see the first leaf falling
It's all yellow and nice
It's so very cold outside
Like the way i'm feeling inside

Outside it's now raining
And tears are falling from my eyes
Why did it have to happen
Why did it all have to end

I have your arms around me ooooh like fire
But when i open my eyes
You're gone...

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But i do do feel that
I too too will miss you much
Miss you much...

Big Big World - Emilia

Trace the Missing

It's just so dreadful, the numbers of death gets higher and higher as the days go by. God bless them all, it must be so hard for the survivors, and also for the ones who've lost their relatives or still looking for them...
I found out a BBC webpage for the people who are looking for their lost ones.
Take a look : Trace the Missing :(

Author HameFanHarif