Her Life Goes On

Surprising Snow

2005-02-14T15:02:00.000+03:30

I took one week leave and went to Astara with my family. We had a flight to Rasht - half way to Astara- and stayed at my brother's first and then drove to Astara. It was snowing a bit and was so cold. But after a few days we heard all in the news that there has been a heavy snow in Rasht, about 2 meters! And most houses are out of power and water!!! Also my brother's! Nobody could go to work, even the bakery's were closed! and the government asked the bakers to make breads, people needed to eat, all the supermarkets were closed, no power, no meat!
And the snow continued...
Until my leave was over and I had to come back to my city but I couldn't! No way I could drive to Rasht, even if I could the airport was closed due to heavy snow! unbelivable! We couldn't even drive all way to Tehran, the road was too dangerous.
Finally the ony way we could find was to drive forehead to another city after Astara and catch a flight from there to Tehran. And I was lucky because after we arrived to Tehran it started snowing in that city also!!!!
We could have been stucked there for at least one more weak!
Hopefully the snow in Rasht has finished and everybody is now back to their normal life WITH POWER AND WATER!
I can't imagine life without these!!! poor people, and lucky the ones who were not on the road in those days, some of them has been missing and one or two dead as I've heard.

Not Fair

2005-01-27T14:45:00.001+03:30

Last night I was thinking of my cousin Shabnam, she passed away in her 28s...cancer...a very bad one. God, if a person shall die, let her/him die fast and with no pain. She suffered lots of pain, out of anyones imagination. We could only watch her suffering and couldn't do anything. After 8 months of pain I even asked her doctor if he can do anything to set her free! I couldn't see her like that. They said it's not allowed even if they know there is no hope. A very beautiful girl was turning to a weak thin person...in the middle of her success, she was just graduating, had just started a good job...had just found someone to love...why her?! why exatly in the begining of her success? why like that?
One thing that was so painful for us, was that she had so much hope, or maybe she pretended she has! She never gave up, we only saw her crying sometimes and she used to complain about the pain! Never said she is tired, never said she wants to die sooner, all she was saying was that she doesn't know how ever she's gonna thank the ones who take care of her and heal her! Meaning she thought she would be on her feet some day...but that day never came.
Sometimes I wish I talked to her more...to know how she thinks when she was in bed 24 hours. But I didn't dare. I just wanted to make her happy, tell her jokes and make her laugh in last months of her life. Couldn't talk about the big sorrow, I just had to pretent that she would be all right.
Did she really knew she was gonna die?
I watched when they were washing her body...her white hands that I used to touch, her lips that used to have a smile on, her body was damaged; opperations, weakness, laying on bed for months had it's affects on her beautiful body, no sign of her beautiful long black hair...that used to make her even more beautiful...
It's hard loosing somebody we love. It's even harder watching them in pain.

Only Once

2005-01-22T17:23:00.000+03:30

We only live once in this short lifetime of ours, so why not do what we like? Why ignore some of our needs just because they might be wrong? Why be wise?!!!!!
I want to do whatever pleases me, I want to do everything I like. I want to follow my heart.
Actually this is how I have been all my life. Some say it's better to concentrate on one thing, one goal, and not think of anything else, and go for it till you reach to the end of that, no matter what. But I am not like that! I do whatever pleases me in that certain time. My goal is to live happy NOW, to enjoy NOW.

For example, incase of learning stuff, I have tried learning lots of things: sking, tennis, rollerblading, swimming...organ, classic guitar, electric guitar...and still like trying horse riding, diving, kite...painting...and some day I will, even if in my 60's! -well not for horse riding :)) -

When doing each, I put all my energy on it, and that's why I love them all! I am not expert in any of them, but I know them all, I never gave up on any of them, just started something new, it' good to know how each of them feels like, I may try them again some day, whenever I'm in the mood for it, so why doing just one? Why not giving the chance for enjoying more things?

Actually I like the second theory as well, getting expert on one sport, or one instrument...but I like to experience more...the feeling refreshes me, the feeling of awaking the part of my soul which hasn't been used yet! Experiencing new excitements. That's how I am.

I may die today, so why wait to see what tomorrow brings? I follow my heart. People say use your experience, and forget what you want, experience says this, experience says that...but what about me? Isn't it my life? Why should I live my life upon the other's experiences? or even upon my past? If I repeat my past more than once, would it end the same?

It's my life, and I decide for it.

Questions of a Broken Heart

2005-01-12T18:15:00.000+03:30

Shall we follow our heart and forget what has happened before? forget that it was broken once? or shall we think and make decisions upon analyzing the past? even if we have to give up on our heart?

Can we forget the piece of our heart which have been given to someone? and can we give another piece of it to anotherone? wouldn't those two pieces conflict ever? or shall we try to glue the first piece no matter what? knowing the feeling was perfect?

What if we can't give our heart to anybody else? is it still better to give the first piece away?

What if the broken peice breaks again? does it worth trying? which one would hurt more? trying to forget the broken piece? or letting it break again -in case it does- by giving another chance to it?

Do feeling ever lie to us? if we think some feeling is extraordinary, does it mean that it really is? and it will be forever?

Should we give THIRD chance to a relationship? incase of knowing the previous situation was the main reason for the whole misunderstandings?

Magic of Mind

2005-01-10T16:54:00.000+03:30

Believe in magic of mind? That if you believe in something and want it badly, it would happen? Even if it seems impossible? I do believe it. I believe we can do anything if we want to.
It has some steps thought to reach the final goal, that's why it takes time.

Step 1: Believing it 100%, no dout in it and no buts.
Step 2: Making this belief a vision.
Step 3: Making this vision a goal.
Step 4: Trying to reach the goal.

Easy huh? it seems easy, try it, it is sooo very hard, but possible. Don't worry you won't lose if you follow the rules step by step. And remember this:

The loser says: It's possible, BUT HARD.
The winner says: It's hard, BUT POSSIBLE.

And also it's good to know that, to do something you haven't ever done, you have to become a person you haven't ever been.

How Iran Looks Like

2005-01-04T18:18:00.000+03:30

Some of my weblog readers asked for some pictures of the place I live in, I think this link would help you get the idea of the place.
Check Iran.
I found some funny stuff in the impressions, actually it is true, you can easily find these kinds of things even in 3* hotels in all over the country! You can also see lots of old cars, old buildings, women in chadors (the long black ugly thing that covers the body) , ugly men with moustache and beard...what a pitty! it's not very nice saying these things, but it's true. But these are mostly seen in the south of Tehran and almost in every other cities of Iran. But still you can find some other good looking people around, there are also modern lives and modern cars, and you would NEVER find these healthy and good looking people shown on the TV! Any idea why?!

Already Miss My Parents

2005-01-03T16:59:00.000+03:30

I cried a bit after they left home in the morning. Though I know they won't be gone too long, still I feel like missing them already. We've bought a house in the north of Iran and I guess they would go there a lot from now on, they have built another place for living but in a good weather exactly near the sea, and since they are getting old they need some place quite and far from the crowd, meaning I have to accept the fact that I have to live alone every once in awhile.

There was a time I loved to live alone, I loved to experience independency, organizing my own living, cooking, grocery shopping and stuff...but now I prefer doing them all without being alone. I prefer coming back home knowing someone is waiting, knowing it's not empty and the TV is on and there is someone I can say HI to!

The more I think the more I believe in this: I need to fall in love! It's the time, finally the time has come, I need to have someone, I feel like I need to live with someone. And I need that someone to be my man.

Big Big Girl

2005-01-01T18:53:00.000+03:30

I have always liked this song:

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But i do do feel that
I too too will miss you much
Miss you much...

I can see the first leaf falling
It's all yellow and nice
It's so very cold outside
Like the way i'm feeling inside

Outside it's now raining
And tears are falling from my eyes
Why did it have to happen
Why did it all have to end

I have your arms around me ooooh like fire
But when i open my eyes
You're gone...

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But i do do feel that
I too too will miss you much
Miss you much...

Big Big World - Emilia

Trace the Missing

2005-01-01T16:22:00.000+03:30

It's just so dreadful, the numbers of death gets higher and higher as the days go by. God bless them all, it must be so hard for the survivors, and also for the ones who've lost their relatives or still looking for them...
I found out a BBC webpage for the people who are looking for their lost ones.
Take a look : Trace the Missing :(

Author HameFanHarif

No Pain, No Gain

2004-12-30T14:54:00.000+03:30

There is a man I see everyday in my way to work who just stands and begs for the cars passing by, I see him everyday; I mean everyday! Well except on Fridays and some Thursdays that I am off.

He is not that old not having strength to work, and he is so eager to earn money that he wakes up THAT early EVERY morning just for begging! And as I've noticed lots of cars pay him! and the amount they give him is out of my imagination! Some even give him one green paper! -we call it green paper in persian, it's 1000 Tomans which is a bit more than 1$, but since dollar is much more expensive than Tomans, 1$ would be much more to us than what it is to non Iranians.-

And today, I saw another man his age standing right beside him sweeping the street, I was wondering what differences people have that one begs for money and the other one sweats for it!

I don't like giving money to these kind of people, specially to this man, just because I think and know he can do something better than just standing and being no use for the society. Money doesn't come easily, it needs hard working, either by brain and knowledge or by strength and action.

Today I adored the old man sweeping the street. I wish people would notice and help the people who deserve helping, who at least try for it.

Asia Quake

2004-12-27T16:06:00.000+03:30

It was just the day before the earth quake that I was writing about religion! Religon says if we do something wrong we will be punished, in both our lives. There you go! What did all those poor people do wrong to have such a disaster fortune? Did they deserve all this? Poor people, poor poor people :(

I feel so sorry for them...I really wanna know WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS WORLD? Is God kind as it's been said in all holy books??!! Is he??!!! What is this? end of the world?!

Merry Christmas

2004-12-25T17:23:00.000+03:30

Merry Christmas to all the christians who read this weblog :)

I am not christian. It's been written in my ID that I am a muslim, but I am not that either! Because I don't act as one. I don't pray, don't fast, don't read Quran, don't believe in the prophets, don't cover my hair, don't cover my hands or legs, I do drink, I do sing, I do dance, I do eat pork... I "do" and "do not" do lots of other things which muslims "should not" or "should" do! And it's all because of my own beliefs. I don't believe in any religion at all.

I believe I should be a nice human, that's all. A nice person for myself and for the others. No harm I should do to anyone, no bad feeling I should give to anyone, I should love people, and treat the others the way I want them to treat me. Isn't it the only reason why religion has been made for? So that people can get along and behave themselves? So that they can have the best life they could ever have? I think that religion is just an old version of law! And hell is the old version of jail!

I believe in the great power in life, but I don't need to pray for that. The power I believe in, donesn't need my worshiping! The power I beleive in, is much greater and much more generous than this!

But still I respect all other people's thoughts and beliefs. Everybody KNOWS the way they think is right, and that's why everybody's thought is precious.

Yalda Night

2004-12-20T17:12:00.000+03:30

I donno if there is any word for this night in english, but we call it Yalda Night , it's the longest night of the year, which is the last day of autumn. We Iranian usually party this night and gather all the family members, some people stay awake till the morning. I'm not sure if I'll do that since I gotta wake up early tomorrow and go to work!

Well my birthday was cool, some of my close friends invited themselves!! I guess they wanted to surprise me but since my dad wanted to have a little party at the previous night of my birthday, they had to announce the surprise party. So it was not surprising at all!! And the funniest thing was that me and most of the guests arrived home at the same time! I was at work till then! What a hostess!

Sometimes I like to smoke after drink, and it was the first time my parents saw me smoking, and it was funny because all the girls smoked ,and except one guy, the other guys didn't even drink! We should say BAD GIRLS BAD GIRLS...instead of BAD BOYS BAD BOYS! :D

One of the guys was saying a joke about Rashti's - it's a city in Iran which lots of jokes are being made for the people of this city and my dad is from there - and suddenly he noticed my dad is from that city and he was going red, but my dad started saying jokes about his own city...cool dad!!! I like prtying with my parents around since my friends find them so cool.

And the best presnet I got exatly in my birthday by accident, was my first income I received from the company I work with at Network Marketing, it really made me happy, so this means I am going to reach my goals ;)

Happy Birthday to Me!

2004-12-18T15:26:00.000+03:30

I was born exactly this day 29 years ago, I don't remember how I felt when I breathed for the first time, but I guess it was hard since I've been told that I started crying right away! And later I figured out that everybody else felt the same and did the same! There must be a reason entering this world hurts this much!

Now I am 29 years old. I have lived twenty-niiiiiiiine years which is 10585 days! That's a loooot! I am thinking...what I have gained through all these years...and what I have lost...

I've grown up in a very small family: dad, mom, my big brother and little me! I have become the only child since my brother got married and moved out to another city. Thanks to God I have understanding parents, specially my dad. I know it's hard handling youth these days, I am sure nowdays youth have become worst than us! But still I appriciate the way my parents handled me.

I have my own freedom, the one thing most Iranian singles -specially girls- look for, maybe that's the main reason I didn't get married soon. And of course the other main reason is that I haven't yet found THE ONE! But I think some people get married not because they've found THE ONE, but for reaching the freedom they did not have at their parent's. Yes I have heard it from some of my friends...whom are sorry for what they've done. Thanks momy and dady!

I like my life, I like living fancy, I'm happy I gain enough money to live the way I like. I am not rich, but I have enough, that's what's important.

Being at my 29th, I think I have all I've ever wished for, a wonderful family, a stable personality, some very good friends, good background, a good major -though my dad always wanted me to continue at least to M.S!- , a good job, a nice car, a house...but still there is one piece missing, the very important piece that I always dream for...I still don't have my man! The man of my dreams...

God, can you please give me my present for my 29th birthday?! Is it much to ask?! I promise to keep it forever!

10 Commandments

2004-12-16T09:34:00.000+03:30

Check 10 Commandments link!

My Life

2004-12-13T18:35:00.000+03:30

What I choose to do
is of no concern to you
and your friends
Where I lay my hat
may not be my home
but I will last
on my own

Cause it's me
and my life
it's my life

Oh the world has sat
in the palm of your hand
not that you'd see
and I'm tired and bored
of waiting for you
and all those things
you never do

Cause it's me, and my life
it's my life

Dido

Back from My Short Trip

2004-12-12T11:10:00.000+03:30

Fortunately the weather was great, just a bit cold but no sign of snow even rain. Except the day we went to Shabnam's, the other two days wasn't that bad, everybody is back to their normal life, even me. Though we miss her, we keep doing our everyday habits; talking, laughing, eating, listening to music, even dancying...time really heals. I guess we are just getting used to not having her beside us. It's hard, but we are accepting it little by little.

The next time we are all going to gather in Astara will be in summer, for my another cousin's wedding. Instead of sad people in black, there would be happy people in beautiful fancy clothes, loud music and dance... even for Shabnam's parents...we'll miss her in the wedding.

The Last Member of the Big Family

2004-12-07T17:16:00.000+03:30

All my family are now gathered at Shabnam's, in a very beautiful town in north of Iran named Astara. It's her first ceremony after she has left us. I am the last member who is still far away, and hope the weather stays clean so that I can catch my flight tomorrow. And still will have one hour ride to the town from the airport, which again I hope the road stays not frozen.

The last time I wanted to go there the flight was canceled because of the heavy snow and I had to cancel my trip since I couldn't find any place in the next flight! It's been exactly one year since my last visit from Astara and I miss all my family, though I know I will not see the most important one among them; Shabnam.

There's gonna be lots of lots of people wearing black, with sad faces, some with tears...
There's gonna be her beautiful picture surrounded with candles...
There's gonna be red roses rounded with black ribban; she loved red roses.
There's gonna be her mom and her dad, it's hard for me seeing them like this, we used to be like twins and I'm gonna always remind them of their daughter.
There's gonna be her brother, how can I tell him how sorroy I am that he doesn't have a sister anymore?
There's gonna be her little nephew who doesn't like God, blaming him for taking his aunt away!

And after a few days, everybody will go back to their own lives...that's how it has always been.
Only the memories will stay.

Quite a Day!

2004-12-06T14:32:00.000+03:30

Yesterday was a day full of different events which I still don't know how I felt at last!
It was Saly's birthday, Mersedeh's wedding day, Shabnam's first ceremony, and figuring out the death of my old friend's mom, also figuring out cancer for my ex-fiance's dad.

A simple day can be the best day of some people's life and at the same time the worst for some others! I was happy; and at the same time sad.

The ceremony has been postponed to the weekend, which I'm gonna have a short trip to my cousin's hometown on the day after tomorrow. God bless her.

The wedding was fun, actually one of our friends couldn't come, since it was her husband's grandpa's ceremony as well!! Another complicated story for her!

How would you feel if you were in my place?!!

When you have to be Serious!

2004-12-01T18:27:00.000+03:30

Why is it always like this ;when you have to be serious something funny comes up?

Just like at school, when the teacher is trying to get student's attention on a non important subject, and your classmate is showing funny faces and saying funny words on back of the teacher, and you can't cotrol not to laugh...oh I miss those days!

Yesterday I was in the exact situation, when this friend of mine - from high school - was sitting exactly infront of me in a very serious meeting and I was trying to concentrate on the speach; but something strange is between old friends, you can easily laugh and loose concerntration by even seeing each other's face! and it happened! I was just trying not to look at her so that I can control my laugh, but just couldn't! I was lucky it happened at the end of the meeting so it didn't look that bad and looked like at the end it was pleasant!

The Great Power in Life

2004-11-27T17:13:00.000+03:30

Yei I am experiencing the very good moments with my working group, and we all feel the sueccess. I had no idea I could have this much energy in me! I get tired but I don't give a shit!
This is the first time that I don't have any time to waste! The only time being wasted are when I am asleep!
I guess this was the door of happiness which was opened for me, I might have not seen it since I was sitting and looking at the closed door.
Thank you the Great Power in Life - which some call you God.

It's Raining...

2004-11-18T14:59:00.000+03:30

It's raining and I so much like to write. I'm listening to the new album of Evanescence, it's called Anywhere But Home.
Every first rain of the year I get a call from my old friend, a friend from more than ten years ago, I guess the first rain reminds him of me, and everytime I tell him I knew he was gonna call.
The weather makes me feel like I wanna go out of my body, just like my cousin when she is asleep. She lives in another world every night she sleeps. She wishes she wouldn't get up ever in the mornings! She has a notebook in which she writes her everyday dreams, there is a similarity in them all. In all of them she is flying, and she can see everything from the above, most of her dreams are in their own house. And when she wakes up she remembers the events in detail. I love reading her diaries. I too had a few similar dreams before, flying on top of my room. I just remember it felt great, but don't remember them in detail.
There are so many strange people living around us and I guess this cousin of mine is one of them.
I sometimes wanna die and see what happens to me. Is it true that our ghosts remain? That we will see everything from above? Just like my cousin sees in her dreams? Or everything ends just like the body does? Do ghosts live forever? Is there any other life? ...there must be...it's a big world, this big earth we are living in is only a tiny part of the world...I wanna know more...I wish I could.
Why some people know about the future? Like my mom! She sometimes sees the future in her dreams, how can this happen? Does she go to the future and see it and remember them, or does anyone tell her to see that...or...God! So many possibilities and at the same time all of them unbeliavable!! Lots of mysteries!
Still it's raining...still she is singing...still I wanna write...
...
Soon the rain will stop, and she will be done with her music, and I will go back to my real life...

Getting Rich

2004-11-15T15:21:00.000+03:30

Ever thought what you would do with your money if you were very rich? I mean very rich! These last weeks have been the busiest days of my life, it's very pleasant having a plan and trying to reach to it, even if it keeps you very busy.

And the best part is when you know you can do it. Not that you TRY to do it; but you CAN do it, there is a whole difference between these two. And for me...I have planned reaching it in one year; one year hard working.

I have been also learning a lot during this project, I've been working a lot on my thoughts, on my beliefs, on other's ways of looking to the world, I've been trying to help myself, to help the others, and to see everyone as they are all on my side.

I see everything different now, I am so excited, I am full of energy even when I am so tired. I needed this change, I needed something big to happen, I have always loved to do some stuff but didn't find any time. Now I have time for everything, time to read, time to follow my needs, time to start playing guitar, to start learning another language, to start thinking of my future...

It's just great!

Take My Hand

2004-11-10T18:47:00.000+03:30

Touch my skin and tell me what your thinking,
take my hand and show me where we're going
Lie down next to me,
look into my eyes and tell me,
oh tell me what you're seeing

So sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling,
what you feel now is what I feel for you
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you,
I'll always be alone, if I'm lying to you

See my eyes, they carry your reflection,
watch my lips and hear the words I'm telling you
Give your trust to me and look into my heart and show me,
show me what you're doing

So sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling,
what you feel is what I feel for you
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you,
I'll always be alone, if I'm lying to you

Take your time, if I'm lying to you,
I know you'll find that you believe me, you believe me
Feel the sun on your face and tell me what you're thinking
Catch the snow on your tongue and show me how it tastes
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you, I'll always be alone,
if I'm lying to you
Take your time and if I'm lying to you,
I know you'll find that you believe me, you believe me

Dido

How the Human Mind Reacts

2004-11-09T13:51:00.000+03:30

A few dyas ago I funod an atrilce in one of the wpbegas rageindrg how the hamun mnid racates wehn radenig a txet. Accrdonig to the rescreah the mnid tekas a snpahsot form ecah wrod and then fndis a smialir wrod mctahing to the ptcirue. It deosn't meattr how ceocrrt the wrod is, the mnid can fnid it out as lnog as it lkoos smiliar to the cohesn wrod. As the rselut shoews, as lnog as we keep the frsit and lsat ltteer of the wrod in the atcaul pclae, the mnid can raed the stnecnee! Jsut lkie waht you are dniog rhgit now!
Ietnsernitg huh?

Knowing above, I wonder why we have to take dictation courses at school! We can make schools easier for the kids ;)

Days of Our Lives

2004-11-08T16:26:00.000+03:30

...they pass so fast, the days of our lives. It's been almost one year now since she's left us. It's going to be her first ceremony in less than one month...

Doesn't days in our twenties pass faster than ever? I remember when I was in primary school I used to pray for the New Years and Summers to come so that we can go to Astara for the holidays. And it would always take them forever to come! I loved going to Astara, seeing Shabnam and Nastaran was my sweetest dream, I loved playing with them, I even loved fighting with them! Oh yeah we had fights almost everyday! Specially with Shabnam! for the cheatings we used to have when playing cards; ...I wish it was still those days. I would die for those days to come back...

We grew up together, the three of us, just like sisters. We loved wearing same color dresses and shoes, we loved being seen everywhere together, singing and dancing together, running in the back yard and throwing snow to each other.

We used to write letters to each other and I have gathered them all, sometimes I go back to them and read them, it brings back the old memories. Funny handwritings and funny subjects! I guess I have about 100 letters from each of them! It became less and less as we grew up...and then they both moved to Tehran for their university courses. The best thing that could happen to us:)

We have this one picture from our early ages, around 3-4 years old I guess, Nastaran in the middle, me on the right and Shabnam on the left, and as we grow up we took similar pictures with the same situation of standing! The only difference in pictures was that we got bigger and bigger in them...

We promissed ourselves to always be like sisters. I remember when I gave my diary book to Nastaran she wrote a very short story in it, which when I read it I couldn't control not crying!

Here is the story she wrote in my notebook:

I am sitting in my living room, I can hardly walk now, I see my diary book in the book shelf, I reach it, I open it, I can see some writings from my old pals. The first page is from Mahsa, yeah she is a grandma now, two grandchildren I've known of by now. The next is from Sali, we still see each other from time to time...the other is from Nastaran, where is she now? it's been years we haven't have any news from each other, I better give her a call...
I find her number from my phone book, I call her...

- Hello? May I speak to Nastaran please?
- Nastaran? Oh, I'm sorry... God bless her...

Negin's diary
8 Nov 2046

...for us, this would have never happened, we would have always stayed together like sisters, like friends, forever...
...only if God would have let us...God took Shabnam away from us...she left us with a deep sorrow...

The last picture we took, all the three of us standing, was on Nastaran's wedding day, Shabnam couldn't make it for more pictures...

God bless her.

Telepathy

2004-11-07T09:18:00.000+03:30

Early in the morning I was deep asleep dreaming, in my dreams I was talking to him, usually I don't dream of him. I don't remember what subject we were talking about, when suddenly my mobile rang, and it was him!! I don't know why he called me that early and what he wanted to say, the line got disconnected and none of us called again, but what I know is that my mobile's alarm was supposed to wake me up at 6:10 which did not, and his call was at 6:15!!! and if I didn't have that call I would've been late for work!! I donno maybe he was also talking to me in his dreams! weird.

Anyways, I believe some people have telepathy with each other, I also have this kind of communication with Vida, and it's kind of weird when it happens, you feel there is some very strong energy in this world that you wanna find out about it, and you can't, but still it gives lots of energy to you by the time it happens...knowing the world is not just some materials. There is something high above all of that. Something extraordinary...

Last night I had some guests, my cousin and her husband and some of my new friends, it also was my brother's wedding anniversary, we drank to them :)
Actually it was supposed to be just a business meeting, but after dinner it became more like confessing to my parents about each of our's stupid stories of the past! It was fun.

Business Woman

2004-11-06T13:12:00.000+03:30

I worked in private company of Datak Satellite Provider as a programmer for two years. Actually it was my first job after I gradutated and I really loved my job, I enjoyed programming with Delphi and Oracle, it was a field of inventing; programming gave me the feeling of having my work under my own hand and my own inventions, giving me a great power knowing my software is being used in another company by it's employees. It was also fun with Elham and all my other colleagues, we were quit a family there :)

For my own benefits I had to leave that company, so I started working in foreign company of Airline's Telecommunication & International Services as a network controller; has been here for more than two years now. But in spite of all the good benefits of this company, the job doesn't satisfy me, not at all the way programming used to fill me with energy. But since this work doesn't take all my time and still leaves some spare time for me, I decided to do a part time job if I find any.

By chance, it was offered to me a few days ago, and I accepted it with open arms. I gathered a lot of information on the working branch and finally I found it very exciting. It's strange the way I am back to my old time energy of working, I feel I want to do my best in my work and be the most succesful ever! And I feel I have the power to do so, and I feel I will! And I will!

Like the book I am reading, My Life by Bill Clinton, I have listed my aims, and i have given them dead line, will reach them for sure. It's great living trying to reach your aims. It gives much strength and brings happiness.

Let Her Life Go On

2004-11-03T17:59:00.000+03:30

Here I am, sitting, trying not to think about what I have decided to forget. Trying to live, to forgive, trying to kill the flashbacks, to mute the sounds, to ignore the scenes...

Before, I thought people can forget if they want to, but seems it's not like that at all. We don't forget, we just get used to not think about it, and it can all come back into our minds with a single fillip, with either a music, a smell, a certain place or at certain times - days,hours or minutes.

Actually it's the best God could've given to us, the ability to forget, or it's better put this way: the ability of not thinking about what's gone. Otherwise we would not survive; if case of loosing someone, death or...

I am doing my best to let go, but... would he let me do that? Would he stop sending messages? Would he stop sending emails? Would he leave me alone with my own problems? Would he understand? is he this selfish? this cruel?

Does he think it was easy for me all these time? Does he think it is easy now? Does he think I am a statue?! without a sense, without a herat? Does he think everybody is like himself? cruel?

Someone please tell him if you made your choice, if we decided to end this, we should try doing it. Life is not a game, not at this age, it's more serious than what we used to think of it at our younger ages.

We should fight for things we want to get; which I don't think he did at all; If we think it's not the right thing, it's not the right road, then we should change our direction. We should find it somewhere else, in someone else; Yes it is hard, we have only one heart, I know, I know better than anyone, I have suffered more than anyone, it's the worst thing that can happen in anybody's life, that's why we have to be careful at the very begining, but if we made a mistake, then we have to suffer, no other choice we have; then such days will come, days of feeling loneliness, days of sorrow, days of sadness.

There must be someone else in this world who understands me, who loves me as I am, who believes in me. A certain time is enough to make the other person believe in you, if it didn't work then there is a problem. A very big problem. Relationship is not a force. Love is not swearing, love is not teasing, love is not threatening, love is none of above, that's why he is no longer having a place in my life, not even as an old friend. He was not my friend, even very far friends, the ones he used to call NOT FRIENDS don't ever do that.

He doesn't get it, I wish he did. I wish he was the one I thought he is. I wish he was a man, I wish he knew what he wants, I wish he had a courage to follow his needs, his heart.

I wish he was stable, stable on his beliefs, stable on what he gained through all these months, stable on his wishes.

I wish he could at least understand me, me whom he used to call a friend, I wish he could understand me instead of forcing me his ideas, forcing me to believe that other people are bad, that they don't want the best for me. I wish he wasn't this picky, he has no idea how much he hurt me.

I have lost a friend whom I thought was the best friend; but I was wrong; he was not a friend, not an epsilon. He was my enemy...maybe he was from the first begining.

they say:
The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

I don't want to be wise in this case!

Lie

2004-11-03T16:37:00.000+03:30

You can lie to all people, some of the time;
You can even lie to some of people, all the time;
But you can't lie to all people, all the time!

Marketing

2004-11-02T13:48:00.000+03:30

Finally I was there, she and her husband had just arrived home when I reached their house. They had another guest as well. I was so eager to know what's going on...

The speach started after the coffee...a kind of part time job, marketing for a foreign company. Why not! I already have a job which fortunately leaves me much time for myself, and I need to cover my spare time somehow, what's better than sharing the time I've got with my friends knowing it might bring me a bunch of money! just maybe ;) or maybe not:D

It will cost me a bit at first, but worth it, it's a risk, everything is a risk. I can recall it a game, but if I take it seriously it might end up somewhere.

I will get to know people, I will be my own boss, I will make friends, I will get the idea how other people think, how they look at life and how they fight for their lives; this will all be done in the group gatherings which are at least twice a week. There will be alot I will learn from it, even if it doesn't bring me any money at all.

Enigma

2004-11-01T18:02:00.000+03:30

I was on my way to the office when my mobile rang, the voice on the other side was asking me if I know who she is. The more I payed attension the more wondered I became!

- Is it Shabnam?!! It can't be her, what a silly guessing!! She is
not a..l...i...v...e !!

It was soooo like her voice!!! No wonder why,cause it was her closest friend Gilda! Friends become like each other, even their voice or their way of talking! It's true.

My voice is like Mahnaz's, even our parents sometimes make mistake! Once I left a message on their answering machine instead of her! Saying: "Mom, I'm going out for dinner and will come home late!" and she was beside me just laughing! And her parents didn't notice it was me!

This Gilda asked me to meet her at their apartment if I am not busy tonight, she didn't say why, she just said it's about some work...and she'll describe it later, leaving me with a big question mark! It's still an enigma and I can't wait till tonight...what can it be? Why did she call ME? We haven't had any news from each other since Shabnam's...

I'll find out in about two hours...

My Niece

2004-10-31T11:22:00.000+03:30

She is growing up fast, now 12 years old, life is passing so fast we don't even realize it. Her new questions are about babies! She is asking how they made! Her friends have given her some clues, but she was so confused, asking her mom if it's true or not and how it is!
I remember I was 3 or 4 years younger than her when I realized how they being made! And I remember when I told my cousins about it, Shabnam was kind of shocked, and Nastaran even cried! I expected Paria to get the idea much earlier, new generations you know! They are always more clever and much more faster on everything. She sounds so different from me though, the way she is with her parents, even with us, no shame about asking these kinds of questions. I wasn't like her at all. I should consider myself old generation!
Her mom had to read her a book, as she describes it's an english book for childern her age, describing the body of male and female and how they change in certain age and so many other things including sex and stuff.
Poor Paria, she found it so hard to believe, even told her mom she thinks it was too soon for her to know, because she is so sad now! It's good to know these things through your parents, she will understand it someday.
She doesn't live here in this city, I am sure when I see her -maybe next month- she has a lot to tell me and I've got to answer maaaaany of her questions. I am in a place of her elder sister and we have a lot in common.
It would be nice having a daughter growing up, she has an understanding mom who will be just like her wise friend, I am sure:)

I miss my brother and his family, wish they lived in our city.

the book : My Life

2004-10-27T15:02:00.002+03:30

I'm reading the book "My Life" by Bill Clinton and started liking it somehow. His reall name is not Bill and neither is his sure name!
William Jefferson Blythe is the reall name, but since his step father was Mr.Clinton so...

I like it when some scene or text can have such an affect on you that you may think about it even use in your reall life.

In his book he says when he was out of low school, he read a book named "How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life" and how this book helped him follow his goals.

As he describes the main point of this book was having Long Term Life Goals. So he decided to make a list as below:

-being a good man
-have a good marriage and children
-have good friends
-make a successful political life
-write a great book

And as himself says it's for God to judge if he is a good man! But he could reach the rest of his list, even the last one! At least it's a great story if not a great book!

Do I have long term goals? I better get that book he read! ;)
It's not so late is it? He was my age when he made that list ;)
It's never too late, for anything.

Men are Better Friends?!

2004-10-26T10:28:00.000+03:30

Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends, and none of them confirms that.

Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends : 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them !

Conclusion:
Men are better friends !!!!

Never Explain

2004-10-24T10:22:00.000+03:30

Never explain, your friends do not need it, and your enemies will not believe you anyway.

Damavand

2004-10-23T18:03:00.000+03:30

Early in the morning - 9 is early on Fridays - this friend of mine who has just come back from his trip - he can't rest, can he?!- woke me up sending this SMS: let's have a plan for the weekend; I was very much in the mood for that, so we started calling friends, we could gather seven people, waking them up and forcing them to get ready till noon! Unfortunately some couldn't join us, the plan was going out of town for lunch, but then we decided to have it at one of my friend's Villa in Damavand, and his aunt also joined us. It was a wonderful day since the weather suddenly changed, there was thunder and lightning ended with a beautiful rain, but at night it got really cold, none of us wanted to leave the warm fire and come back to Tehran.
If Mahnaz had not called her brother in low for picking her up from my house, we did not have to leave Aftab coffee shop without even eating anything:D When she called him for postponding the pick up time, he was already on his way...so...maybe next time.

And My Theme Song!

2004-10-21T13:10:00.000+03:30

At first I was afraid. I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get along. And so you’re back from outer space. I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. I should have changed that stupid lock. I should have made you leave your key if I’d known for just one second you'd be back to bother me.
Go on now go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore! Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?! Do you think I’d crumble? Do you think I’d lay down and die? Oh no not I! I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive! I’ve got all my life to live! I've got all my love to give! I’ll survive! I will survive!
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart. Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart. And I spent o-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry but now I hold my head up high! And you see me, somebody new. I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free! Well, now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me!
Go on now go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore! Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with good-bye?! Do you think I'd crumble? Do you think I'd lay down and die? Oh, no, not I! I will survive! Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive! I've got all my life to live! I've got all my love to give! I'll survive! I WILL SURVIVE!

Thanks Texas Gurl, it's also my theme song.

Shopping

2004-10-20T15:36:00.000+03:30

Shopping with Mahnaz, she did lots of shoppings we needed extra hands taking them! Comparing to her, I bought nothing:D

Fortunately requesting for new driver licenace did not take much of my time, since there has been opened an office for this issue near our house. And I had eye check up; they are just fine :) My new licence will be ready in the next 40 days! Isn't it a bit much??!! Is it because we are living in Iran or is it like this everywhere else?!

Melina

2004-10-19T17:28:00.000+03:30

Finally I met Melina :) My freiend's daughter. She was so cute and tiny, with Sally we played with her a lot, it's kind of a new feeling holding your best friend's daughter for the first time, the friend whom you used to go to school with and have teenage memories.
It's when you realize you've grown up a lot! She was a bit like Mahsa, specially her eyes and I am happy because now someone else also has Mahsa's beautiful eyes :)
With Sally we walked to my home, the way we used to walk as high school girls, reviewing the past memories, it was fun:)

Aha, end of car insurance! That day's accident was not completely an accident YET, as again nothing happened to my car! There was this stupid fat man trying to find a way to pass between the back of my car and another car! And I was going to enter the parking of Safavie Passage, I had to go back a bit, and did not see this fat man - he was so big I wonder why I didn't see him!- so instead of him being compressed by these two cars, the other car was compressed! THESE PRIDES! It was as simple as that! It was when I noticed I have no car insurance for more than 4 months!! shoot!
I had to go with him showing his car for repair, well it costed me a bit, just a bit, which even if I had a car incurance I wouldn't have used it, but it was worth it! noticing the end of my car insurance!!

God, my driver licence time is also over! end of 10 years , it's over since two days ago, and I had no idea! and wow if the accident was AN ACCIDENT - A BIG ONE -what was gonna happen to me??! No car incurance and no driver licence! LUCKY I WAS!

Does this mean I am being warned each time before a real danger? Should I believe in that? believe in LUCK? hmm I should think about it...

Accident!

2004-10-17T17:55:00.000+03:30

No accident for ten whole years, and suddenly two accidents! And this time...shoot!
What is it? I guess I'm gonna die tomorrow!
Something is wrong with you Girl, watch out!

Weekend

2004-10-16T10:26:00.000+03:30

I needed to rest, but two of my friends where gonna have lunch at Taj Mahal, so I joined them, funny when you wait in a queue at a resturant! Yeah that's how it is!

And at night we were guest of my parent's friends, I love this family a lot, we always just laugh! There are so many things to laugh at when we are together, one of their sons -a teenager- was gonna show us a funny file in his computer, suddenly my mom saw some pictures and said she is pretty and he began to show us the model's other pictures, having no idea one of them was not in a very good position, so he just skiped the one, and my mom was like : "hey show me that, what was that? hey ...oh no, YOU don't watch..." and it was just like a bomb! My mom was asking the owner of a picture not to look at it just because it's not a picture a teenager should see!!!! God how many hours we laughed at what she said!!

Poor their daughter, she is a low graduated but can't find any job, I can't imagine not doing anything during the day, it must be so boring for her.

We came home so late that I had to sleep till noon on the next day! Friday I just had a big rest, we had an out of city lunch plan with Mahnaz, but I guess she was asleep too! So none of us called each other, and at night again we had some guests.

And my new friend Shila called :) The new friend from my last trip, we spent about five hours on the plane and just talked, she was also traveling alone, so we became friends.

Hey fast month! iiikh I hate it. People can eat less instead of not eat at all! They smell bad when they don't eat anything, and that's why I hate it. At least they can chew a gum!

An accident early in the morning, this man infront of me suddenly stoped his car when passing a green light! And boom! Lucky I was it wasn't a hard crash, just a tiny little bit scratch, only my salad was poured, and I could not have any salad for lunch anymore:(
Be careful girl!

University Pals

2004-10-13T15:51:00.000+03:30

Yei we met last night at Shaar Resturant, the University Pals! It was really fun. The majority of people in Shaar were romantic couples, except in one corner was us, a group of exciting happy girls having much to talk about and seems never want to stop and get rest!

One was talking about her ex-boyfriend who happened to has a wife and was going to get divorce...but did not...and the other one was just saying yeah just like my ex!!! And most things happened to one, happened to another one! The story was exactly the same for both, and kind of ended the same for both! These bastard are everywhere I guess!

Finally I had some news from Chippy from her mom, she is not completely settled down yet, still looking for a house, she is asking me to join her, I am having some difficualty choosing what to do, what I am sure of is that I am thinking of leaving Iran, still waiting for the best opportunity: work or study.

Since I am back from my trip I am having strange dreams, all in stress and worry, I never used to have these kinds of dreams, God knows what's have happened to me! Does it mean I am not calm and I just pretend to be? hmm, I don't wanna think about it.

Surprizes

2004-10-12T09:31:00.000+03:30

Isn't it so amazing seeing someone after so long? Yersterday one of my dad's friends was our guest, he used to come to us at least two days a week, but days went by and for no reason it happened that we had no further news not from him nore from his family for about four years! and suddenly he was with us yesterday, everyone was so surprized and happy, I just didn't know how I was driving, I just wanted to get home asap :)

Well after four years we both had some good news and some bad news for each other, even thought I knew all the bad things that had happened in this time, I was still sruprized of the numbers when my mom was telling them! The numbers of deaths, cancers, divorces, heart attacks, MS... what a life!

What are we after to in this short life of us? When everything goes well we have no idea how hard this life can be, lots of deseases around us, just a tiny little bit of any of them is enough to ruin our life. How many people we know around us who has cancer? MS? young people, young! What are we doing to ourseves? it's been said that those people who have stress, jealousy, worries and all these kinds of stuff are the ones who get cancer or MS...
Are we calm at all? do we not have stress? are we safe then? can we control ourselves to stay calm? can we be pleased with our lives? can we not want more than what we have? can we have no worries?
Let's do it for us! for the ones we love.

My Journey

2004-10-09T17:48:00.000+03:30

First time traveling alone, first time to Europe, a bit worried I was, since I also had not reserved any hotel. The last time I was out of my continent I had my parents with me, a really great support right beside me, this time was quite different. Early in the morning I arrived to Amsterdam airport, hopefully everything went well, there was a tourist information which I could easily get a hotel, city map and also some info about the trains and trams.
Beautiful city it was, not so many cars like Tehran, but many trams, and narrow streets all stone covered, lots of people riding bicycles, great weather – fortunately no rain at all- and buildings with hundreds of windows in each!
It was interesting figuring out about the trains and trams and finding your way through them, as we have no such trams in our city.
Following the map I could find my hotel, the best part was when I found out my mobile works there! I had no idea and it made me so happy hearing my dad's voice from my own mobile and knowing they can call me anytime, I felt safe this way. Even some of my friends called me, they had no idea I was not in Tehran!
It was really a beautiful city and I wish I had more days over there. I even could find some friends there, the very safe friends whom I could trust, I was so lucky, policemen! What an alone female foreigner really needed in Amsterdam was two bodyguards! There were not in their forms but drug dealers knew them and were afraid of them, they said it's a free country for drugs, but not for all kinds, and dealers are not allowed in every part of the city. That I didn't know! Now I have two good friends in Amsterdam 
The next day early in the morning I had a plane to catch, I was joining Vida in Madrid, she was coming from London, I was worried I might lose my plane by not waking up that early, that's why I couldn't sleep very well, I had stress.
Finally I met Vida, we both eagerly needed to see each other, again easily we found a hotel, a very nice one in a very nice place of Madrid, lots of pubs around the hotel and very crowded at nights.
We both had lack of sleep the first day we arrived, so we slept more than 11 hours!!! When fresh, started seeing the city, lots of museums, plazas, nice old buildings, statues, parks…
Nothing very strange about the city, same wide streets that we have in Tehran, only the buildings where different, again lots of windows in each! And lots of flowers people put in their balcony. People looked the same as us, most of them had black hair, same height –in Amsterdam people were so tall – most of them even asked questions in their own language thinking we are Spanish! The bad thing was that most of them didn't speak English, it was a bit hard telling them what we want, we had to learn some Spanish words we used everyday!
The beach was so nice, so crowded, I thought it was gonna rain all the time, instead it was a great weather, even people were swimming and getting tan!
And then came the night we were on the train to Barcelona, just like the time me and Vida went to Goa by train, it's nice having an old friend that you share lots of memories with, this was exactly the same situation, I hope we do it once more
This part of the trip was full of stress, when we arrived to the train station we saw no sign of tourist information! We had to go to the airport and get the info and city map, but unfortunately there was no hotel available, all of the full!!! This was what the lady in information desk told us, all we could do was getting the list of all hotels and get lots of coins to call them ourselves, and make sure ourselves! And we did that! I don't remember how many hotels we called, all I know is that at last one of them had a room! Wow happy we became! We had a place for one night! There was a fair in the town and this was the reason hotels were full.
That night we both suddenly got scared without any reason, it was late at night and there was something strange in our room, we couldn't sleep we were just sitting tight to each other hoping this feeling would go away! That night when I fall asleep I saw Shabnam in my dream…maybe it was her ghost in our room God knows! In my dream she was kept away from us because of her cancer and I was begging her dad to let me see her, and finally I did see her, I hugged her, kissed her, I cried and cried and cried…when I woke up I was feeling very good, because I could hug someone I missed a lot…
The next three days I was alone again, Vida went to Canada, my bosom friend for more than 14 years, we will meet someday soon again, I know it.
Then started my journey again, but this time alone, I was feeling powerful, and at the same time I was beginning to miss my family, my friends, my home! For the first time I missed my home when I was out of the country, this had never happened to me in my previous trips! And that made me figuring out something, that I love my family very much, that I love my real friends, that I should know the price of everything I have in my life, that only being out of the country is not enough, you have to have support, you have to keep your relations, you need people around you. This is the biggest experience ; knowing the price of what you have without losing it.
The last day in Madrid I got to know two Spanish girls, hoping to see them again one day. And on the way back I became friend with Shila, she went to see her aunts and we talked all 4:30 hours on the plane!!
At the airport my parents noticed how excited I was seeing them, as my dad described; I am full of energy now, this trip had given me so much, at the very exact time.

Here in Europe

2004-10-02T14:27:00.000+03:30

It has been great, lots to talk about, will write them when I am back to Iran. I am in a hurry now, still so many places to see.
One day in Amsterdam, then two days in Madrid, and now I am in Barcelona.

Accona Matata!

2004-09-25T13:55:00.000+03:30

If I remember the sentence correctly! It was from The Lion King cartoon!
which means: "No Worry, Be Happy!"

"When a door of happiness closes, another doors open for us, but we usually sit so tight looking at the closed door that we don't pay attention to the doors which have been opened for us..."

I am willing to notice the doors which open for me...
For the next 10 days I'm gonna experience lots of things, lots of people, lots of places, will make lots of good memories. I'm gonna bring the soil of two countries! This is what I've been doing since my first trip, bringing back the country's soil as a rememberance.

No More Sorrow

2004-09-23T08:30:00.000+03:30

Yesterday was a busy day for me, so many things I had to do before my trip.

Me and Sally were supposed to see Mahsa and her daughter - Mahsa is the only friend of mine who has become a mom making me an aunt! MELINNA - but planned postponed so I stayed at Sally's.

Bad Luck! Mahsa lives in France and unfortunately she has come here to visit her family, we could've met there in my trip! She won't be back home till then.

Whenever Sally's husband goes to a trip we have GIRLS PARTY! and GIRLS OUT! Her husband is so cute, he always leaves us the best drinks in the world knowing what our plan would be! and asking me to LIVE at their house while he is gone! It's gonna be fun tonight.

See how life goes on? No more sorrow, when you get hurt all you need is to think and get the idea why this happened, then you'd get to the point that maybe it was for the best. Maybe it wasn't right like that. Maybe you would hurt much more than this if it was continued... everything is for a reason.

Usually when these kinds of relationships end, you start getting to know the other person much deeper. And the only way the sorrow goes away, is when you realize that the other person did not deserve any of that and you were wasting yourself, and you have much more to be proud of.

A Small World!

2004-09-22T08:59:00.000+03:30

It was wonderful last night. As always when I have a plan something happens at work! I was supposed to see Mahnaz before meeting my classmate, unfortunately Iran Air had a line problem which made me staying longer resolving the matter. Finally I canceled my appointment with Mahnaz and still I was late for my blind date!

I was at their door, rang the bell, feeling strange, how does she look like now? What kind of a person she has become? I only had some memories from 20 years ago! I was so excited seeing her!

We finally met, she was the same only 20 years older and a bit thiner, she said the main thing she remembers from me is my eyes. We went to a coffe shop and talked and talked and talked, from the past, from our teachers, from our other classmates, there where things I remembered she didn't and things she remembered which I had forgotten! I was so drown in our talking which I have no idea how the time passed! She is leaving back to US soon, and I won't see her till God knows when! She had a nice character, I like her. We took pictures and gave each other a little gift as a rememberance. I am sure I will see Simin again someday, as it really is a small world...

It was a wonderful night :)

Blind Date!

2004-09-21T16:13:00.000+03:30

The very big news is that we found the GUY who was teasing me for about 8 months!!! He was cought by my DETECTIVE PARENTS! and of course me!

He used to put flowers on my car, for 8 months! then flowers by our house door, then started calling home, calling mobile, only he called from public phone, sometimes using nasty words, then arranged dating!...I was so scared, it could be like one of stories we read in newspapers!

I saved his voice in my mobile, and TADA!! He was recognized by his voice!! A neighbour!! It was told to his family!!

NO MORE HIM! GOOD! NO MORE WORRIES!

The bad news is my bosom friend is going to Canada today :(
She called saying good bye to my parents and the way my dad was talking to her made me cry, she was kind of my sister, and of course still is.

Another exicting news, I have a blind date today!! not quite blind thought! it's one of my eldest friends! from primary school! We found each other in ORKUT and after 20 years we are gonna see each other! The strange part is that she doesn't live in Iran and by accident when we found each other she happened to be in Iran! I am sure we have so much to talk about! WOW! after 20 years!!

Forgive and Forget

2004-09-20T08:29:00.000+04:30

She was late for their meeting, she had to go to the airport to get a delivery from an arrival.
Her dady called her, he seemed so anxcious hearing his daughter's speach.
She was a bit shy talking about her feelings, but later on she calm down and everything went well. She didn't even cry thanks to God! He was paying much attention, he seemed nervous he smoke two cigarettes. He heard them all, finally just said:
"You made a big mistake from the begining, but you made nice memories, 90% of men are like that, just forgive and forget."

He is going to be his daughter's pal from now on, he insisted she tells him every detail from now on. She is happy to have such an understanding dad. She loves him a lot.

Her second dad (he is her close friend and she calls him dad in their group) told her a nice sentence:
"When God says YES, he gives you what you want.
When he says NO, he gives you something better.
But! When he says wait, he wishes to give you the best!"

Dady and His Little Girl!

2004-09-19T14:16:00.003+04:30

I used to say if you want something set it free...
But you have to do something before setting it free! You should try your best having it and do whatever it takes keeping it, then after all this if nothing changes, you gotta set it free. That's what this sentence exactly means.

When having any problem it's better discussing it with the elders for they have more experience to become a helper, specially the ones you have closer relationship with and you believe them as the open minded.
My dad has been the best advisor I have known in my life, all his students in University talk to him incase of needing any advise and they believe he is very wise. Why don't I? We have the greatest relationship a daughter and a father can have. I told my dad in the morning I'm gonna talk to him about a matter, I need to share with him something which has been teasing me since a while ago.
I feel happy about it, it's gonna be a great night between dady and her little girl who has become a lady now! I love my dad.

Lost

2004-09-18T13:31:00.000+04:30

I used to hear life is cruel, living is tough.
I had no idea what it really means ,since I had no sorrow.

This year happened to be the worst year in my life, I lost my best friend from childhood, my cousin Shabnam, she happened to have cancer and life took her away from me. I am still in deep sorrow for losing her, and no one can replace her, no one.

And my other best friend is leaving for Canada, I am going to miss her very much, it's hard letting go someone after 17 years!
I am sure she also has her place in my heart forever, and I am sure she will be there for me and I will be here for her, always, as they say : "Friends are like stars, you do not always see them, but you know they are always there."

I also lost my other BEST FRIEND, and only God knows the real reason! And the sorrow of losing this person, for good or bad, will always remain. Best friends are never replacable.

Love and Devotion

2004-09-14T15:02:00.000+04:30

What is the best way of forgetting something? not loosing and doing things you like, traveling? Ok I'll give it a try.

I feel powerful, crying helped me, it washed away all my anger and sorrow, it made me get wise. As my BEST FRIEND used to say, love is not enough in any relationship, being wise is the more powerful key. Sometimes we say things having no idea it might oneday be used for our own failure! I had no idea time can help this much on getting wiser and thinking better. We can see things better when we are out of love, when we look at it from the above.

Great, my parents are coming back today, I am so happy to have them back home. I really need them, being lonely is the last thing I need right now in this situation.

New Discovery
--------------------
I just found out that because of last year being the Leap Year, all solar dates has been shifted forward one day! Funny, till last year I was born in 19 Dec which is 28 Azar in solar dating, but they are not the same day anymore!!! 19 Dec is now 29 Azar!!!
When is my birthday from now on??? 18 Dec or 19 Dec???
What will happen to our passports then? the born dates are not correct anymore!!!! Finally I found something to laugh at!!! :)))
na na,na na,na,na!

Never

2004-09-14T14:59:00.000+04:30

Never say I love you,If you don't really care;
Never talk of feelings,If they aren't really there;
Never hold my hand,If you mean to break my heart;
Never say forever,If you ever plan to part;
Never look into my eyes,If you are telling me a lie;
Never say hello,If you think you'll say goodbye;
Never say that I'm THE one,If you dream of more than me;
Never lock up my heart,If you don't have the key.

Decision Made

2004-09-13T20:00:00.000+04:30

Nothing is worst than hearing things you are not, from the one you thought is the closest to you!
Maybe because of anger? Maybe because of jealousy? Or because of ...?

Today was a holiday, but I had to come to the office. Me and Vida spent more than 8 hours on the Internet searching on booking tickets and hotels in Europe, with no result! They won't send the tickets to Iran!! What a shame! Send it to the whole parts of the world except Iran!

Anyways, I am in a better shape today, I've made a big decision: RESPECTING MYSELF, letting nobody play with my heart.

An Expensive Experience

2004-09-12T13:53:00.000+04:30

Sometimes things are so simple that you just don't notice them;
Sometimes you want something so bad that you just close your eyes on everything and even lie to yourself, you don't want to see the reality;
Sometimes you make fool of yoursefl;
Sometimes you give up yourself for nothing;
Sometimes you destroy yourself for something which does not deserve it;
The hard part is the day you realize all the above, that's when you feel broken, feel abused.
But everyone survies, even me, my life will go on.
Thanks to Vida for opening my eyes to the reality.

If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours; if it doesn't, it never ment to be yours.
I set it free. I am happy about it.

That's What Friends Are For

2004-09-11T08:20:00.000+04:30

They say it's easy to get friends, the hard part is keeping them.
Thanks to my good friends Mahnaz, Hanieh, Sali and ofcourse Parizad (my brothers's wife) who tried these last two days making me not feeling lonely and sad.
Hanieh was so surprized she had never seen me crying after all these 8-9 years of friendship!!
Look what life can do to us?! Is it our blame? Do we deserve all the things happening to us? maybe...
I am not getting better! not at all!
I am not hoping to feel any better, I am just hoping for things to change and be the way they used to be, as WE planned, so that I can survive...
My parents are coming back from their long trip the day after tomorrow, I am not in a mood for their company, not now!
I can't pretend to be happy for them, and I don't want them to see me like this.
I am so broken...

First Day

2004-09-09T18:25:00.000+04:30

My first day here, and I am so sad, maybe the main reason I decided to create this weblog, to share my sadness with you, you that I don't know, to reduce it...like shouting on the sea shore knowing the sea would hear, to heal me.
I know as life goes on things change, some sad days, some happy days.
I started it here with sadness, but my life goes on, and I will be happy tomorrow, maybe the day after tomorrow...I was a happy girl til two days ago! I will be again.